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In Memory of her soulmate JD by Cherilyn

I'm 55 years old, widow, and in very poor health.

This mourning process is the greatest loss I have ever experienced
and I have lost pretty much all my family. I have 3 brothers left
in our family, only one that lives near by.

Basically I come from an abused childhood, married to get away, left
that marriage after 5 years, met a man that I thought was love, but
turned out to be the devil himself in disguise. He got me hooked on
drugs (cocaine, methamphemine) separated me from all family and friends.

I finally got strong enough after I turned to Jesus for help. I
was in that relationship for 10 years. I am proud to say I have
been clean and sober since 1988, when I met my soul mate JD..

This relationship was the most honest, pure, love I had never
experienced. He helped me to remember my dreams of life, his were
the same. He raised my son from the age of 6, loved him like his

He encouraged me to seek out what life work I wanted to do. It
took me a year to become an Insurance Agent, I was very satisfied
with that work for 9 years. I also did charity work, which I
never knew could be so healing and filled with so much love. He
gave me that time, as he cared for my son, as I was pretty busy.

I reconnected with my aunt whom I hadn't seen in 25 years. I
began spending my Saturdays with her, caring for her needs,
shopping, Doctor appt.'s, etc. My boss would always give me the
time off for this mission.

I cared for her for 5 years, when she was diagnosed with stomach
cancer. My boss allowed me to work part-time for that year, so I
could spend more time with her. She died a year later in her home
as she wanted with just her and me.

That was just the beginning of the work I realized I was meant
for. That loss was the first loss that truly had touched me so
deeply. I don't know if it was just because it was her and I when
she passed, all I knew was it touched my soul as no other had

Through out my life I knew I had a special spiritual relationship,
as I always knew when a loved one would die. My mother shunned me
for that, but I never the less continued.

My oldest brother was MIA in Vietnam in the year 1966. He never
lived at home, he was married with 2 children. I was always at his
house. I adored him. That loss was different, as I held out hope,
that some day he would come home. He came home in 1991,
where we put him to rest.

I couldn't mourn him, as I truly believed he would still come home.
I mean a couple of bones the Airforce said was his?? The last
memory of him was him flying off in his plane, waving his wings
at us. I miss him being in my life.

Of course I had lost Grandparents by the time I was 16, I
remember them well, but I was young and I don't think I knew how
to mourn. Then when I was 18, I lost my best friend to drugs. I
knew I would never do drugs (if I only knew what my life was
going to change). Even though my childhood was of abuse, it was
never directed at me.

My father was abusive to my mother and 3 brothers. He never once
hit me. My first child was born in 1973, he was born with brain
damage, which affected his right side. My mother and father had
come for his birth and had stayed for 6 weeks with me. When they
had to leave, as they turned the corner, I knew I would never see
my father again. He died the next day.

Back to my aunt. When she passed, I found out that she had set up
a trust fund for me, in the amount of $100,000.00! I didn't
understand what and why that money was meant for me of all
people! Then the truth was shown to me.

My soulmate JD, was diagnosed with Leukemia. Our relationship was
so new, only 8 years. I realized I was to make all his dreams
come true, as he had only 3-5 years. We went to Hawaii, I bought
a condo overlooking the ocean (the most spiritual time you can't

I bought him the truck he always wanted. My boss gave me a years
leave of absence, so we could spend all our time together. We
were old surfers at heart, loved the ocean, and was living our
dream. I got to buy all new furniture, spoil my son with clothes,
games, cars!

Then after 4 years we were advised that JD only had a year left,
if that. This time JD thought of me. He didn't want me to be
alone, as two of my brothers lived up north, and my oldest
brother lived in the desert by the River.

We decided to move to the River (also casino's across the River,
and we both loved to gamble!) So once again, another dream was
coming true. We moved, bought a home. We bought a boat, JD always

The last year of his life, I had saved enough of the money from
the sale of the Condo, to be with him, without working. We
gambled, walked the River, enjoyed the boat, he fished (not me).

His last chemotherapy, we knew. No matter how you plan on someone
dying, or how many tears you have cried, when it happens, you
just aren't prepared.

We got 13 beautiful years together. I was devastated. I didn't
know what to do, so I went to work to keep myself busy. Well, God
was not to let me out of mourning JD. After 9 months of working,
I had a stroke. Just a minor one, but it was enough to put me on

I began the mourning process. I literally lived on my couch for a
whole year, the shock that I was avoiding hit me like a brick
wall! The process of mourning, the stages you go through, I was
truly unprepared.

After the shock wore off, I went directly into denial. JD had
left our home to go to the hospital for his chemotherapy and did
not want me there.

I respected his wishes, I just didn't know why. So I watched my
front door for at least a year, waiting for him to come home.
When I finally realized he wasn't coming home, I went to the
mourning stage of being angry. I wasn't angry with JD, I was
angry with God.

How could he give me something so beautiful, then take it away?
These were our retirement years. What was I supposed to do? I
truly did not know. I have stayed in the angry stage until just

JD has been gone since August 27, 2000, at the age of 50.

I began a stage of what the doctors call "searching". I would
wake up, wake my son up, and ask him where was JD? I did this
many times. My son had moved in with me when JD died as he knew I
needed help. In the meantime my health just this last year had
gone really bad. The doctors tell me that my emotional state his
affecting my health.

If I can't move on, I will die. I have been diagnosed with 10
different health problems, the worst is Lupus. My body is
literally shutting down. I didn't care. I wanted to go home and
be with JD. God wasn't going to allow that, again!

I started writing my book, to help myself with the loss. I have
the first draft done, but know it is not finished. I was blessed
with my first Granddaughter 3 months ago! An angel from heaven!

So I am trying to heal my body, there are just some things that
can't be healed. I have had seizures, blackouts, coming back only
to believe it was 1999. I guess my mind thought if I come back to
1999, JD would be here. Of course not.

My brother's kidney's failed, so all of a sudden I was needed
again. I took care of his needs for 2 years. Then he had to take
care of mine, as having seizures, you are not allowed to drive.

Even though I am on medication for that, it is something you
can't foresee, so I had to give up my independence and quit
driving. He drives me where I need to go, but pretty much I am
homebound now.

My best friend, and only friend in this small town, was diagnosed
with muscular dystrophy a year ago. She had gone from 160 pounds
to 100 pounds in one year. Again, I knew I still had things to
do, even with my disabilities, I had to go on.

I will be there for both my brother and my friend in their time
of passing. I know that is why I was directed here.

I guess I am trying to be acceptance now of JD passing. 5 1/2
years, will I ever get over this loss. Probably not, but God has
shown me I still have work to do.

Copyright © 2005-2008 All Rights Reserved Bev Swanson